hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
