Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
