oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
