So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
