I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
