Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
