I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
