Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
