FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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