It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
