I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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