I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
