funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
