I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
