Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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