I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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