I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
