Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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