woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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