Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
