So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
