Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
