Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
