did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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