Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and you said cock pushups were impossible
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
