remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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