why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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