let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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