i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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