if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
