I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
