you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
