I wanna passion pit in your ass
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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