apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
