apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
