He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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