I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
