I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
