So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
