I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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