; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
