Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
