well I can't set my house on fire every night
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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