Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
