I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize