Your face is a jimmy john
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
