Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
