it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
