tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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