this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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