Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
