dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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