My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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