Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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