Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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