Farmville is her only friend.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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