I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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