tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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