apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
