Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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