I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
