I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
