I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
