i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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